Infidelity: How Could You? Understanding the Behavior of an Unfaithful Partner

After the discovery of infidelity, endless questions from the betrayed partner are common. The rug has been pulled out from under them and they are trying to put the pieces of a puzzle together to form solid ground.  Often, they ask the same questions over and over, trying to make sense of it all.

One question that continues to ring in the ears of the betrayed partner is “How could you?”  They want to find the logic - to make it make sense.  They can’t imagine how their partner got to this place; how this person, whom they thought they knew, could do something so hurtful and out of character.

When I work with couples trying to make sense of the infidelity that has destroyed their world, I am careful to explain that we are seeking an explanation for understanding, not an excuse or justification.  I explain that what has happened is not justifiable, but a deeper understanding is necessary in order to repair the relationship and ensure that it does not happen again.

Many years ago, I wrote a blog post titled How and Why Affairs Happen.  In that post, I explained how 4 circumstances often come together to create a perfect storm.  Looking at all 4 circumstances, if even one was removed, infidelity may never happen.

In this post, I intend to go deeper into the inner workings of infidelity.  I want to help you make sense of something that feels so nonsensical.  Apply logic to something illogical.  In the end, it may still seem too hard to fathom, and that’s OK.  Getting your arms around a traumatic experience takes time, curiosity, and at some point, acceptance.

1. Vulnerability of the Unfaithful Partner

As I discuss in the post How and Why Affairs Happen, what caused the unfaithful partner to be vulnerable in the first place is the most important factor to be examined.  This is likely the biggest issue that needs to be fixed to avoid further harm.

We go through life doing all the things we are “supposed to do.”   But most of us have no idea what bumps in the road are likely to occur, what issues are lurking beneath the surface of our psyche, or how to deal with them. Common issues are: fear of failure, fear of aging, insecurity, shame, burn out, loss, feeling unappreciated or unheard.  If we don’t know how to deal with or talk about these things, we keep them in and pretend we are fine.  When we are keeping all this pain and confusion inside, and ignoring it ourselves and/or hiding it from others, the pain can come out in ugly ways.  Sometimes people gravitate toward things that make them feel good - like alcohol or drugs, gambling, pornography, or infidelity.  This is why I say that infidelity is less about what is wrong in the marriage, and less about how desirable the affair partner is. It is much more about how what you are doing makes you feel about YOURSELF.  

2. Dopamine

So yes, like any other vice, infidelity can become an escape, a way to feel better.  Every text is a dopamine hit. Every anticipated meeting is a high.  It distracts you from the internal pain and makes you feel on top of the world, excited about life, even young again. Some people confuse these feelings with love. Some experts call it "limerence."

3. The Brain

There has been some research that suggests that infidelity acts like crack cocaine on the brain.  It hits you right in the reward center of the brain and keeps you coming back for more.  Here is what is important to understand about how the brain works.  The reward center of the brain is located in the limbic system, or the “animal” part of the brain.  This is the fight or flight and also the pleasure center.  The prefrontal cortex is the human part of the brain and facilitates rational thought and impulse control.  This is the important part:  WHEN THE LIMBIC SYSTEM IS ACTIVATED, THE PREFRONTAL CORTEX SHUTS DOWN!  In other words, when someone is engaging in behavior that is exciting, risky, and pleasurable, they are not thinking logically.  The prefrontal cortex is not driving the bus.  This is why it is so hard to apply logic to the unfaithful partner’s behavior and often where the betrayed partner gets hung up trying to make sense of it all.

4. Slippery Slope

Sure, there are those who seek out affairs. And there are those betrayals that happen on a drunken night on a business trip. But more often, the path to infidelity is insidious. It might begin as a friendship, an innocent connection you feel toward someone you have met or have known.  Talk or texts might become more personal, more familiar.  Some light flirting might be thrown in.  It still feels benign, innocent.  But as small lines are crossed, you are unaware of the slippery slope.  I once had an unfaithful wife tell me that she had crossed so many small lines that when she crossed a big line, it didn’t feel so big.  In her book Not Just Friends, Shirley Glass uses an old adage about a frog in a pot of water where the temperature is increasing so slightly that the frog acclimates to the temperature and doesn’t realize its demise until it is boiling.

5. Secrecy

“When you keep things in your own head, crazy shit starts to make sense.”  I coined this phrase many years ago and apply it often to various circumstances.  Think about it: Infidelity takes place in a bubble.  It takes place in non-reality.  You and one other person are making up the rules as you go.  There is no light of day being shone upon the situation that has unfolded.  It’s a fantasy being played out in secret and it becomes an alternate reality that makes sense only to the two people inside the bubble. Additionally, the taboo nature of an affair can increase the excitement and intensity.

6. Compartmentalization

I have heard this term throughout my life and I really didn’t understand what it meant - so I Googled it a few years ago and this is the definition I found:  Compartmentalization is a “psychological defense mechanism in which thoughts and feelings that seem to conflict are kept separated or isolated from each other in the mind.  Its purpose is to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.”   I’ve had many unfaithful partners tell me that “When I was with my spouse or family, I was not thinking about my affair partner, and when I was with my affair partner, I was not thinking about my spouse or my family.”  I’m not sure everyone’s brain has the ability to compartmentalize, and I suspect men's brains are more likely to have this ability, although I have not looked into proving that theory.

7. Societal Norms

From a historical and macro view of our Western society, we could say that our societal structure is based in monogamy.  However, it is much more complex than this and we receive millions of mixed messages each day about sex, love, monogamy, fidelity, and relationships.  We have become much freer and open about sex, comfortable with casual sex, and exposed to ideas of open marriages and polyamory.  In some circles, there is still an unspoken view of manhood that believes “boys will be boys” and “locker room talk” is acceptable, maybe even expected.  And for women, the sexual revolution has encouraged women to embrace their sexuality and smash the double standard that used to be prevalent in our society.

I could go on about the concept of societal norms, but I think I can sum it up with this:  I believe most people who enter into a monogamous or exclusive relationship believe sexual/emotional betrayal is bad, but subconsciously, is there something in our brain that whispers “Is it?”

8. Emotional Immaturity

The concept of “emotional intelligence” was developed in the 1990’s. Emotional Intelligence is the ability to: (1) understand our own emotions, (2) express them to others, (3) understand others’ emotions, and  (4) navigate relationships productively.

If someone lacks the ability to recognize their own emotions and deal with them, or understand others’ emotions and manage relationships, then it’s easy to see how people end up making horrible decisions.  People who enter into affairs often lack emotional intelligence.

All human beings start out as emotionally immature.  How many of us learned emotional intelligence in our childhood?  (Hopefully more families are teaching their children this now than we did in the past.)  The fact is, we can’t know what we don’t know, and we usually have to learn lessons the hard way.  I firmly believe we learn more from our mistakes than from doing everything right.  There is an old saying that has been attributed to many different origins, but it goes something like this:  “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.”

9. Conflict Avoidance

Through years of working with couples who are navigating the aftermath of infidelity, I have noticed an interesting dynamic… First of all, opposites attract, so a relationship often consists of one partner who has strong opinions and says it like it is, and one partner who prefers to avoid conflict and keep things in to keep the peace.  Here is the interesting part:  More often than not, it is the conflict avoider who has the affair.  It is the person who doesn’t feel heard in the relationship, either because they don’t know how to speak up for themselves, or they don’t feel like their partner hears them when they do, or they believe they have spoken up but they haven’t really been clear.  This, more than anything else in a relationship, breeds resentment.  Resentment festers and grows.  It creates the crack in the marriage and also the internal conflict inside the heart and soul of the unfaithful partner that I discussed in the post How and Why Affair Happen. 

Recognizing your tendency to avoid conflict is extremely important in healing from infidelity - because this is one of the things you will have to change in order to grow as a person and to create a stronger relationship.  On the other side of the coin, if you recognize yourself as the person who is better at speaking than listening, then personal change and growth in this area will be necessary for the future success of the relationship.

10. Framework of Justification

As an affair progresses, unfaithful partners often construct a framework in their mind that justifies their behavior.  This new worldview or “operating reality” helps them make sense of the situation in which they find themselves.  It may contain some of the unresolved resentments from the marriage such as, “my spouse doesn’t understand/appreciate/care about me,” “I’m getting something I can’t get in my marriage,” “I do so much for everyone else, I deserve this.”  It might also contain beliefs like  “I’ve got this under control,” “I can keep this a secret,” “what they don’t know won’t hurt them.”  These maxims can be used to pacify the mind in times of doubt or fear. And the lies an unfaithful partner tells themselves to rationalize their behavior become more frequent and easier to commit over time.  The University of Notre Dame Deloitte Center for Leadership conducted a study which shows that over time, the brain adapts itself to make dishonesty less painful.

11. Risk/Reward

A similar question I hear is “How could you risk losing everything?”  My answer is this:  Over time, if you are doing something and not getting caught, the reality of the risk gets really quiet in your brain, while the reward gets really loud.  Not only that, but the intention and the belief is to never be found out in the first place.  I once had an unfaithful husband explain this to his wife by saying that a bank robber never plans to get caught.

12. "Affair Fog"

The concept of the "Affair Fog" is discussed in many affair recovery resources. I think this is the most difficult to describe, and for the betrayed partner, it is the one that can come off most like a "cop out" or an excuse. I've heard it described by unfaithful partners as a "trance," "surreal," "temporary insanity," and "it doesn't feel like that was me." I've used the metaphor of a snow globe to describe it. When someone is involved in an affair, they are living in a snow globe that is like a fantasy with the snow flying around clouding reality. When it is discovered, the bubble bursts and the unfaithful partner can be as shocked as everyone else.

I think this fog is an amalgamation of many of the concepts listed here: The secrecy, dopamine, the inability to recognize or understand emotions, compartmentalization, justifications, and the lies you tell yourself and others. All of this comes together to form a barrier between the unfaithful partner and reality.

Conclusion

Making an attempt to explain and understand the behavior of an unfaithful partner is an important step in the process of forgiveness. I have offered twelve factors to consider when trying to make sense of something that seems so senseless.  Again, these are not justifications or excuses for infidelity!  An unfaithful partner has to fully own their decisions and mistakes.  And remember this:  Even if there were problems in the primary relationship, infidelity is not an appropriate response.

Developing some level of understanding helps the betrayed partner eventually find acceptance.  Acceptance does not mean condoning!  It means acceptance of this chapter as a part of your life’s story.  It’s painful, but it’s necessary.

-Valerie Allen, MEd, LPCC

If you are trying to make sense of the infidelity that has rocked your world, I can help you sort through the pain and confusion.  Please contact me at valallencounseling@gmail.com or 513-317-8113.